What the world needs

Few things really interest me anymore, not because I’m morbidly bored or extremely arrogant, but simply because everything is so over explained and dissected, thanks to the web, that not too many topics can be considered “new” anymore...and that goes even when we deal with the political establishment.
Politicians act all the same, use the same jargon, have similar modus operandi.
Their actions can always be predicted: deny, promise, assure, mystify and find a sacrificial lamb (those really gifted can also mix them up in different sequences).
That means that they are all pretty much the same when it comes down to what they “do”, but they usually have some visual or acoustic distinguishing traits that allow them to stand out from each other: weird glasses, extravagant ties, racial hatred, tax fixation, funny accent, criminal history and so forth.
With some particular groups of people, though, this sort of trademarks are meaningless, redundant: they are so “out there” that you just feel dumbfounded with each and every single word that comes out of their mouth, even when they are speaking about totally neutral topics...or when they are trying to be inspirational, like Umberto Bossi: "It’s not hard to dream. What is hard, though, is to dream confronting reality in order to change it".
You can’t tell if it’s just the raving of a lunatic or a clever attempt to say a pretty nonsense, just to fuck with the people that pay his salary.
Or maybe they can access knowledge that can’t be grasped by a commoner, like me: that’s why, probably, all of those who are not aligned with them are called “commies”...

When I think about a meeting of the leaders of the political Italian party “Lega Nord”, I always picture in my mind a big room, wooden walls adorned with ancient shields from ancient battlefields, beer, grappa ...and no designated drivers.
I also imagine a big table, a big hearth with a boar roasting in it and a very animate conversation concerning the future of the country...and how that future is undermined by the primordial evil, plotting and scheming to take over Italy.
Bossi: “We need to find a name to this new kind of evil we are facing...and also somebody check if the dinner is ready...”
Maroni: “I have an idea!”
Bossi: “Shut the fuck up Roberto, you speak when you are told”
Maroni: “I am Minister of the Interior! I outrank you!”
Bossi: “Not here. You still lack the first requirement to have freedom of speech among the Chosen Ones. Borghezio, tell us what’s the requirement, so Roberto can remember...and practice.”
Borghezio: “The Everlasting Boner, sir!”
Bossi: “That’s right. The EVERLASTING BONER...so..Do you have it, Minister of the Interior?”
Maroni: “Well...”
Bossi: “Do you have it?”
Maroni: “Do you mean, like... now?”
Bossi: “What part of everlasting don’t you understand?”
Maroni: “It’s just that we are all dudes...”
Bossi: “Don’t fuck with me, boy! How are we supposed to fight against the invading forces of the Alien Faggots from Outer Padania if our dicks aren’t always ready for a fight? Do you have any idea what their cocks are like?”
Maroni: “Erm...”
Calderoli: “I know it, sir.”
Bossi : “Speak up, soldier.”
Calderoli: “They are big, they are black....shaven also...and they are stealing our jobs. Some say they can see into the future too.”
Bossi: “Outstanding, soldier. You win a gold star.”
Calderoli: “Hurray!...”
Bossi: “So, Roberto...do you understand how important it is to have our boners on 24/7? Or are you finally revealing yourself as the pansy I’ve always thought you were?...”
Maroni: “NO SIR. I understand. And as we speak I am hardening my penis with the love for my people, and no one else.”
Bossi: “Those are great words, but are they the truth?...Castelli!”
Castelli: “Yes, sir!”
Bossi: “Check if Maroni has actually a boner!”
....
Castelli: “...What...?”
Bossi: “Touch-Maroni’s-penis-in-order-to-ascertain-the-validity-of-his-statement. Did I stutter?”
Castelli: “No, it’s that...eerm...I’m allergic!...to...men’s crotch!”
Bossi: “Oh, for crying out loud, you pansies! Come here Roberto! Let’s see your boner!”
Maroni: “WHAT??!! NO FUCKING WAY! If I tell you I have a boner, just fucking trust me, okay?!”
Bossi: “I’m surrounded by faggots...all right...I trust you...but just for this time and because I know you since you were young...Renzo!”
Renzo: “Yes dad?”
Bossi: “How’s the boar roasting?”
Renzo: “Thanks to the fire, dad.”
Bossi: “Excellent.”

That’s how I imagine them, all in green (it’s the new black, after all...), all with boners all the time, using their immense force of will to make sure that not all the blood goes to their penises, but it gets evenly distributed between their limbs and their brains, so they can come up with the master plan to save Italy from certain doom...and The Commie-Black-Alien- Southerner-Job stealer-Fake God worshiper-Fag THREAT!


P.S. for those who don’t know/don’t remember Umberto Bossi actually stated that all of Lega Nord followers have a “hard-on” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUIRdQhjFdM&feature=related ).